When my daughter was stillborn, I pleaded with God to accept her home and let me follow. I asked that Jesus would please take me home. What I didn’t know is that He wanted me to stay on earth to learn to know and love Him more.

“She is okay”—that’s what I told myself, as I imagined my daughter in paradise. I deeply wanted to join her. In that desire, I think I issued a bit of rebellion against this life—deciding somewhere within my heart that not fully living would be a tribute of sorts to my girl. I also believe that I grew away from the Lord relationally even though I hung onto my theological understandings. He didn’t grant my request to go home.

I connected with people over the internet about my loss, in an online community, but not as much in person. I didn’t receive the full grace God blessed me with in my church community, and I waited on God to take me home—one day at least, even if not in the days immediately following my daughter’s stillbirth.

I decided somewhere deep within that it would be “okay” with God that I put up this inner protest because I felt I had gone through something so difficult. But I now realize that God doesn’t accept the protest (or the rebellion). He declines.

Instead, He provides; He lifts. And, He causes me to move forward. He does. This is what Jesus does for me, and I love Him for it because it will product an eternal glory that far outweighs this all. I am a Jesus-woman, and He is my hope.