Valleys of My Own Making

As I mentioned in my last post, I am striving to take joy in life—to choose a path of joy where other mental paths would present themselves. I have been reflecting on my feelings. Why would I not want to choose a path of pure joy in life? Is life not better with joy at the forefront of my thinking? Part of me believes that considering the worst-case scenario in my days will allow me to be better in control of my days. If I can manage the potential worst, then I can maintain and preserve myself. However, does Jesus not manage the worst for me?

I have been reading an extended meditation on Psalm 23 by David Gibson, and I have read through the point in the book that considers the Lord being with us in the valley of the shadow of death. A main point is that God himself is with us. The valley, whatever it is, may be truly dreadful. But the Lord causes us not to fear. The first part of Psalm 23:4 reads: “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.” Gibson writes, “It is a wonder that we have a shepherd; it is a great wonder that the shepherd is the LORD” (p. 86).

“Evil” in this verse can refer to moral evil or that which is just not right (p. 84). Let me be clear; I am not walking through the valley of the shadow of death. God has blessed my life. I am a recipient of many good gifts in my current days. But, that doesn’t always keep me from looking at the negative, and anticipating it. I have a penchant for looking at what I haven’t achieved in life, or for forecasting a bleak future of what my emotions will be if I continue in this state absent of any particular goals—which is both unusual and difficult for me.

No, I do not have a valley right now, but I fear one looming. I fear what could be. I seek to manage what could be. But Jesus—he keeps drawing me back into the light. I was indeed delighted to awaken this morning to a new day—delighted that I had Bible study in the morning, that podcast to finish, and a book to cheer my soul. I was delighted at the prospect of typing these words. This is all Jesus’ doing; I am sure of it. Indeed, I have no valley at all—save the one my mind is tempted to form from my fears.

I am not deep in suffering; but I still need to trust that the Lord would be with me through the valley—should that come. But indeed, he keeps bringing me back to consideration of the light. If he would be with me in the valley, he is with me in these kindest moments of life too. Perhaps in the future I will discuss forming rhythms of life—this is something I am learning: how to form my days so that they have interest and variety. But for now, I will say that I am working at forming rhythms of joy—much to my pleasant surprise (as the worst-case-scenario thinker that I am).

In truth, I cannot control all the content of my days; I cannot manage all of my emotions myself. Will I venture into bouts of unproductivity that dampen my spirits? Will I need to wrangle periods of boredom—so that they can be filled with enjoyment or exertion? Will I need to remind myself that I do not need to pursue goals; I can rest and relax in life too? Yes to all of the above. Yes indeed. But in those potential valleys, the Lord is present with me. And he can manage me. It is a wonder to have a shepherd—and a great marvel that my shepherd is the Lord who manages me.

Psalm 23:3a states, “He restores my soul.” As I commune with Jesus, indeed throughout the day, I have been giving him my fears, my listlessness, my doubts, and my concerns about how to use my ongoing time. I am sorry to say it, because I know that I have it good, but these prayers positively flow at times. I don’t know, after all, why after all of the work that I have done on multiple fronts, I am here with nothing—such is how it feels to me when no work is set before me and there are not achievements outstanding to stretch toward. (Perhaps we are both seeing why he led me here—to teach me.) How does my perfect Savior manage me in this pitiful self-made spot?

My spirit is instructed to look around, for this is my adventure: freedom in terms of how to use much of my time, my heart, and my mind. What a treasure, when I take the Lord’s view! My confessional line from this point of life: The Lord is my shepherd, and he restores my soul against potential valleys of my own making; so, I will not fear because he is with me.