A Slow Drift

There are seasons of time when I especially want to be in the presence of the Lord. I am in one of them right now. 

I want to soak up his goodness and receive all the kindness and love he has given me.

But this wasn’t always the case.

I wasn’t always as close to the Lord as I am now.

I once let other desires and affections rule in my heart. I loved the things of the world more than the things of the Lord (in practice, though not in underlying dedication).

This bore itself out in my quiet times, which were essentially nonexistent. I would rarely open my heart to the Lord or go to him for comfort. Because of my distance, I thought of him primarily as a Judge. My sin tainted my view of him because I knew the judgment I deserved.

What made this time in my life worse was that I often pretended to be okay. I pretended to be close to the Lord because, well, all my life, I had imagined myself close to the Lord. But this time of life was different. My soul was dry, and I was feeding off things that were not my Lord.

I confess these things to you because I imagine we are all susceptible to these seasons of drift. I hope that you don’t experience one. But I know I didn’t expect it; I hardly noticed it and didn’t see it coming beforehand.

And that, my friends, is frightening.

It is frightening to think we can have our hearts pulled away from the Lord while assuming ourselves close to the Lord. It is alarming that this kind of self-deception exists. The Lord wants our hearts.

Thankfully, the Lord woke me up. I distinctly remember praying and hiding my sin from the Lord—and feeling his disapproval. He wanted me to always acknowledge my sin before him. That was step one.

The Lord has always been precious to me. I didn’t want to admit I had wronged him, and I still don’t. But to be honest and authentic with the Lord, we must sometimes do what we don’t want. We must accept responsibility for our sins before him.

As I have said, that is step one.

The next step for me was to receive his grace immediately. He was quick in giving it to me. He was not reticent to demonstrate his forgiveness. They came immediately. They came before I fully accepted my responsibility for my sin. Even before I could fully admit that I had indeed drifted from the Lord, he reassured me that he would not leave me. Once I confessed my responsibility, he accepted me—it is as though he congratulated me on doing the one thing pleasing to him that I had been so reluctant to do.

He congratulates me on a job well done when I admit my responsibility for my own sin. Think of this—this is the Lord! He is always gracious and close to the humble. I do not call myself humble, but acknowledging my own sin is a humble act that I needed help to achieve. This is the very act that ushered me closer to the Lord.

After that, it was also all grace. He ushered me into his presence to bless me. He dazzled me with his kind treatment, love for me, acceptance of me, and sheer character and existence. As an admitted sinner, I fell for him—like never before, forgiven and welcomed near.

And now, it is as though his greatness in my heart has crowded out those desires of the world. My loves are much more rightly ordered. My love for him is assuredly supreme. My heart requires work—hard work. It did not come to me correctly aligned. It has been a work of God to help me understand what it means to love him first and with all of me. I, of course, am not perfect in this. But I have experienced what the love of God does in the heart by expelling sin.

This only happened in stages, was gradual, and was a work. His love is still ordering me, but I am not drifting now.

The kindness of the Lord is so lovely to me. His riches of mercy that are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23) on this earthly journey are like a cloak or covering over me, sheltering me from the world. Every morning, I need to know that my story with him continues—that he will still do this ordering work within me. And he does. I used to dread the Lord in a way; I was afraid in an unhealthy manner because I had not fully encountered his kindness. I needed to lay myself before him and have faith that he rewards those who humbly seek him (Hebrews 11:6).